So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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