Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
