If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
