the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
