My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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