Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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