I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
