ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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