Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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