dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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