I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
