Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
