did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Randomize
