Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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