Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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