Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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