Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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