just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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