Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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