I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
then he tried to convert me to islam
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
