you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
