in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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