I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
