you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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