On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize