She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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