I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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