you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
