Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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