How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize