So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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