6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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