there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
