the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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