Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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