But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
