I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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