Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
