Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Found the puke drawer
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
