i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
