when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
