I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
