There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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