guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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