i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
