I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
