If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
