All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
