Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
