Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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