Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
