Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
